The Dating Game

The Dating Game

An in depth look at the struggles and problems of the Utah Dating Game

Written by Colton V. Thompson (inexperienced on the subject matter)

Foreword: It Can Be Written! The article analyzing and pointing the finger of blame towards young single females may finally be written (By written, we mean published as a “Facebook” note that will be read by 7 people). The natural man inside of me had wishes to vent, judge, and critique the “dating game” months ago, but there was one glaring problem. I was single. If this column were to be written by a single male, (such as I was) it would hold no value. The wrath of many would come down upon the author, and he would come off as a bitter, selfish, jabroni who is angry that girls don’t give him the time of day. The writer would go wild for a few pages on the problems with girls and their time management, only to be viewed as a “no gamed” sorry loser. Yes, this reason alone forced me to be patient, and save my meaningless thoughts and judgments until I my “facebook status” no longer read “single.”

So, why can it be written? Well, I am no longer that single, bitter, dateless fubash. The fact that the prettiest girl on campus calls me her boyfriend gives this author some credibility. Dating Nicole Whitbeck allows me to basically write anything I want, and it has to be viewed as fact. Instead of writing out of spite, I now simply write for the enjoyment of it. I now write to give other males hope of dating a girl out of their league. I now write to show the world (7 facebook readers) the problems of the ridiculous Utah Dating Game. The intent of this “note” is not too call former flings out, or express my hate for them. No, I am very grateful for my experiences with all girls who attend Utah State University, but someone needs to let them know how the real world works.

My credentials, you ask? Well, really I have none. I have however shot for the stars in my dating experiences. This is my advice to all men: Don’t lower your standards. Swing for the fences. You may be rejected, verbally abused, and embarrassed numerous times, but eventually you’ll end up with a girl who is too good for you, just as I have. In 9 months time I have pursued campus hotties Holly Godfrey, Tara Lemon, Kinsey Bals, Taylor Perry, Cassie Campbell, Jesi Gurney, Kelli Reese, Olivia Racker, and Sylvia Draper. Off campus legends have included Cassidy Fitt, Tawny Bryan, and Elisa Marie Lewis. Have I had success with, and gone on dates with these girls? Sure, but they didn’t really pan out. You may think my pride should forever be ruined, but think again? Aim high, and you will hit high….eventually.

Also, it should be known that this essay refers to girls who actually have some interest in the guy. This is not a writer being angry because a girl does not show interest in him or his friends, because that is natural. Some men are creeps/freaks, and girls need to behave in certain ways to get away from them. No, every instance in these paragraphs deals with the assumption that the girls have some (if only a little) interest in the individual of the opposite gender.

Now, since this paper’s objective is not to show the point that my girlfriend should and could be a supermodel, let’s get to the meat of it.

The Problems

Time Management: Some* say that you either have to serve a full time mission for the LDS church, or be a man to understand how to manage time. I will not share my views on the previous statement, but I will say that girls are terrible at it. A young single male will manage, sacrifice, and organize time to go on a date, “hang” with a girl, or drop by for a visit. A young single female will do homework, sleep, and attend class. It seems as if girls forget that guys are enrolled in school as well. Sometimes females forget that boys have jobs, and need to sleep, study, and do homework…just as girls do. The only difference is this: Guys manage time better than girls. I once was trying to set a date with a girl who had genuine interest. (If girls in Utah don’t have interest, they do not return your calls, texts, or talk to you…heaven forbid you remain friends). This particular individual claimed to be busy for 2 weeks straight. I asked her what she had going on Tuesday. Frustrated she replied: “I have class Tuesday, and I need to return a DVD to my friend in Providence!” Now let’s get this straight. Eight hours will be subtracted, because girls MUST sleep for that period of time. So, you’re expecting 3 classes and one trip to providence to take 16 hours? Girls struggle with time. The female will argue that they value school, studying, and homework more than the male, but that is false. Many friends of mine date 3 times a week and still record phenomenal grades. A good buddy of mine tells the story of a girl who could not “hang out” on a Wednesday night, because she had homework. The evening runs from 4 pm-1 am (3 am for men). That is a time gap of 9 hours, yet this girl could not find 1 hour to get some hot chocolate? Play some ping pong? Go on a walk? Grab some dinner? Watch 2 episodes of Seinfeld? Talk? If you do that much homework, especially as a freshman, you have some problems. You may be working a little too hard to pass psychology, sociology, English 1010, and math 900.

*By “some” the author means himself

Maybe men should take a little blame. If I ask to do something with a girl, it could be taken as a date, get together, hang out, etc. Girls have told me to specify, and I agree. However, if it’s not a set date, (such as a concert, jazz game, movie, mini-golf, or any event in which the boy has tickets to) then I just want to spend time with you. If you tell me you would gladly get together on a weekday evening, only to later bail because you have to complete an algebra worksheet; that is a potential issue. I am not asking you to be sealed to me for eternity, but rather “hang out.” (Dating is better than hanging out, but if the evening is too booked for a date, fall back to “hanging out”). Studies have shown that the best amount of time to study is 50 minutes. Anything after that period of time is nearly ineffective. Everyone needs breaks. Can we just sit and talk? Make some treats? Play a game of HORSE? ANYTHING? A pal of mine had plans to get together with a girl who he had dated on and off. Their date was set for 8 pm on Thursday night, over Christmas break. She texted him at 6:30 PM and broke the bad news. “I had to work a double shift and am really tired! I don’t think I feel like going out tonight. Can we do something a different night?” It is Christmas BREAK! It’s 8 pm. We understand you don’t want to go out on a date….then don’t! Let the poor sap come to your house and you can kick it. Relax together. Watch TV. Rent a movie. Bake brownies. Play cards. It doesn’t HAVE to be a date, but don’t ruin his night at 6:30 by telling him you are too tired to see him…and then watch TV with your roommates for the remainder of the night. The following is ironic: Female X has interest in Male X. Male X wants to get together with Female X. Although Female X would like to spend time with him, she just can’t quite figure out how to make it work. After all, she does need to write a 1 page paper, eat dinner, shower, and clean her room that evening. She tells Male X that they can do something another time. Later, random boys (who have no shame) go to Female X’s residence uninvited. They stay, play games, bake brownies and have a glorious evening, simply because they “dropped by.” Why are they rewarded for being morons, yet Male X, who had the courtesy to ask was left in the dark?

By the way, let me slip in props to Little Carly Barker, a girl who went on dates with me at one time. She had a social life that was full, 15 credits, and tough classes…yet somehow was very available to hang out. Learn a lesson from Little Carly.

Let’s conclude this section with a few random thoughts. Men place dating, and girls higher on their priority list than the opposite sex does. My friends will study during the day, finish homework, and work their schedules so that they CAN make time to do things with girls. Girls will make time to study and have “gals night out.” The events of these parties include painting each others’ nails, and talking about their relationship struggles. Here is a hypothetical situation: It’s Monday evening. Heber has a test in the morning at 9 a.m. He feels fairly prepared, having studied for 2 hours the past few days. Nothing is shaking on Monday, so Heber decides to hit the sack early, around Midnight. At 2 a.m, homeboy’s cell phone vibrated, and a text message is received from the girl of his liking. She texts: “Hey! If you’re still awake come by for a little while! I am sooooo bored. I can’t sleep!” Now, Heber (representing every normal male in Logan, and maybe on the planet) does not hesitate one millisecond before throwing on his sweats and going to homegirl’s apartment. Keep in mind, it is not his girlfriend, but a friend who he has taken on a few dates. Let’s reverse the scenario. If Heber texted (We’ll call her Sally) Sally at 2 a.m. on the eve before an exam, she will promptly reject him, or never speak to him again for being a pervert and wanting a piece.

The No Friend Clause: At Utah State University, it’s all or nothing. If two people go on a date, and sparks don’t immediately fly, it’s over. The spirit didn’t tell Jane to marry John, so she is writing him off. Why is this the case? My roommate’s girlfriend (can I call her that, Staley?) is a sweet soul and constantly looks out for me. Two months ago, she mentioned that there was a girl in her ward who I would love. “She is tan, has blonde hair, and long legs!” (Does she think I am shallow?) This friend, Alleesa, proceeded to give me Blondie’s (Allison Huntsman) number, and we went out one night. Fun was had, but like any first date, it was hard for either of us to completely be ourselves. Neither one of us came away in love with the other, but it seemed ok to try and get together another time. She replied to a text a few days later, and expressed interest in “hanging” the following week. Since that day, I have never heard from her again. Later, Alleesa asked her how things were going with me and her. She replied: “Things just fizzled out.” …………..Things fizzled out because she stopped talking to me. Could I have dated this girl? No. Could we have been great friends? Sure.

Why can’t more girls be like Angela Helsten? At a typical Logan party, (lots of people with red plastic cups drinking soda or water standing around talking, with music in the background and a few people dancing) an outgoing, non-bashful girl tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Have I met you?” We talked for a moment, I grabbed her phone number and we’ve been great friends since. Did we get romantically involved? No, but why can’t we be friends? My advice for both genders is this: Assuming you are physically attracted to each other, give the person a fair chance. This sounds cheesy and cliché, but you’d be surprised. Go on at least 2 dates with the person, and if it doesn’t work out…don’t write them off! Try to continue a friendship! I’ve seen many instances in which a girl stops talking to a boy after one date because she THINKS she doesn’t like him. After a few run ins at campus parties, said female realizes she may have feelings for the boy! By this time however, the boy has moved on.

Everyone is the Same: Anywhere outside of the great state of Utah (which I am fond of….the landscape and scenery anyway), you can find diversity. Dating is fun because you meet so many different types of humans. Also, it’s rewarding when you find someone who is a lot like you, possessing the same standards, morals, beliefs, and interests. In Logan, everyone has the same standards, morals, beliefs, and interests, so finding that person means nothing. If Sally and Bob don’t click too well on the first date…big deal…Sally moves on to some other guy. Now, there are a few different types of guys in Cache Valley. Hippies, Rednecks, Out of Town Normals, (I am fond of this group), and those who wish high school never ended. Girls don’t have too much to choose from (lack of ethnic diversity and culture), but for some reason they lean towards the latter of the previous groups. The most gorgeous females will constantly be seen with the Chief who wears a flat-billed backwards hat, and has a lift-kit on his truck. Try dating someone who didn’t go to Bear River or Fremont, and you will be happy.

My Friends Aren’t Your Friends: Here’s my favorite. Richard and Jane have gone on a few dates, and they are in the stage between friendship and a relationship. They enjoy each other’s company and like to be together. Richard asks Jane what her plans are for Friday, on Friday. (He asks on Friday) She isn’t sure, but doesn’t commit to do something with him. She gets a hold of him later, and says: “Hey, I think I’m going to hang out with my friends. Have a good night!” I’m going to take a minute to calm down. Nothing gets my blood boiling more than this situation. If she has another date, then tell vulnerable Dick (Richard) before 8 pm, so his night isn’t ruined. If you really are hanging out with friends, then INVITE Rich along! If it’s a designated girl’s night out, fine, that’s understandable. However, tell Dick before 8 at night. Don’t ruin his evening, let him make other plans. Why are your friends not my friends? If you are with a few girls, and it’s not a “girls night,” tell Richard to grab a couple guys and you can all get together. It doesn’t have to be limited to one guy and all of the girls…and friends of Rich would gladly come along if they know there are other girls present.

This very thing happened to Campus Legend Kyle Hardy. He hails from South Jordan, and was semi-pursuing a gal from his hometown. Naturally, Hardy doesn’t make it to SoJo very often, so when he does, this girl should be able to see him. Although she had called him, texted him, and expressed interest in getting together, it constantly never happened. When Hardy asked if she wanted to watch General Conference in April, she responded 3 hours later, “Sorry, I’m going to watch it with some friends!” Hardy hasn’t spoken to her since.

Random Stories: I had gone on 3 or 4 dates with the dream from my institute class. Outside of dating, we had watched a few jazz games, and “hung out” a time or two. At the library, we made eye contact and waved while we were in separate study groups. Five minutes later, I received a text. “Hey, are you still in the library?” Indeed I was, but couldn’t leave my study session. She went onto say that she wanted to say “hi,” but I replied too late and she had left. I texted a few more times, and asked to see her on Thursday night (not a date, because that would require a phone call). The reply? “I can’t this week. Sorry!” First of all, I didn’t ask about the week, my inquiry regarded one night. Secondly, you don’t have one free hour over the next 5 days? She went on to tell me how busy she would be the next 2 weeks as well. (Granted she is on the tennis team) Normally, these clues would lead me to believe that she would not like to pursue any type of relationship…I can take a hint. However, she went out of her way to make first contact. I planned to not talk to her for 3 weeks, but a few days later, she got a hold of me again. I received a text asking if the Jazz won the previous evening. (Information that could be found anywhere) She also asked about Mardi Gras, and insisted that I find her there. Now my head was spinning. Long story short, (you say: “too late”) we remain friendly towards each other, as I took the plunge into “relationship status” with a different girl. The point of the previous story is to portray the complexity of girls. Why the confusion? Actually, that same night, she and a friend initiated a conversation, asking us what our plans were after the dance. We weren’t sure, but gave a friendly invite to make a Wal-Mart drink run, and go from there. She replied, “I just drank water, so that wouldn’t be very good.” I left and went over to my current girlfriend’s apartment to hang out. She wanted to watch a movie, and although I had seen the film of her choice, I didn’t say “I just watched this movie, so that wouldn’t be very good.”

Recently my esteemed colleague and good friend Steven Pontius had somewhat of a fling. A mutual gal pal of ours brought a friend from Layton to visit. This friend and Steve seemed to hit it off, and the flirting went well. They texted often, and cuddled a few times while she was in Logan. They continued to talk, text, and flirt. A week later, he drove to Ogden to take her on a date. At the end of the night, he gave her a friendly kiss goodnight. She hasn’t forgiven him since. Here’s a sweet girl who had put out every sign that she had interest in poor little Steven, and she seems appalled when he makes a move. Constant confusion.

My brother and his wife didn’t start off so hot. (Pre-marriage) They were set up through a mutual friend to enjoy a “blind” date. (Pictures had been seen) Time and time again, dates were set, and dates were broke. According to Landon Thompson, it was like pulling teeth to get her to commit to a date. She seemed to always be busy. She wouldn’t return calls. She wouldn’t reply via text. A frustrated Landon wrote her off, only to find that 2 weeks later he had a text message from her. She was able to get together and the rest is history. Brittany (his wife) was playing the dating game, and in this case it worked out. In most it doesn’t.

Treat A Girl Like Dirt, She’ll Stick to You Like Mud (Conclusion): The nicer, cornier, charitable you are to girls, the farther away they stay from you. Ok, that might not be entirely true, but pretty girls date guys who treat them poorly.

Let’s conclude. I need to give a shout out to all of my friends and colleagues, but especially Jace Thompson. Many lunches have been had at Juniper Takeout, Chili’s, and Texas Roadhouse, where we do nothing but talk about the opposite sex, and the confusion that they bring. Jace had the privilege of being involved in “the game” for 6 years at Utah State. He usually refused to play, and superficial girl after superficial girl sifted through. Thompson has since become a master, and an absolute genius. The inspiration for this article derives mainly from him. He knows when to call, what to say, how to date, when to text, what to text, and anything of the like. Unfortunately, it takes 6 years to learn the game…so don’t play it.

These words have not been written to “get back” at anyone, or to call out girls. I admire them, respect them, and look forward to loving one forever someday. There certainly are many weird boys who make some of the female tactics necessary. This isn’t a “shot” at the female population, but rather an analytical view of my observations. Boys: Keep your heads up. Girls: Stop pretending to be so busy. I’m out.

Utah State University Dating Scene