A Tune That has Been "Jazzed" Out

A TUNE THAT HAS BEEN JAZZED OUT

An analysis of the downfall of the Utah Jazz

Written by an unqualified, uncertified Colton Thompson

May I Have Your Attention Please? Will the real person to blame please stand up? In only 4 months’ time, the only professional sports franchise that the state of Utah has ever seen…has bottomed out. This was made official when the lowly Wizards of Washington doubled their total number of road victories last night in Salt Lake City. The squadron that once ran smoothly under the direction of Coach Jerry Sloan, has officially embarrassed itself. Recently, one local fan from Logan nearly fell off his chair while surfing stubhub.com, as he noticed tickets for home games in SLC were going for 79 cents. The uncharacteristic play of late has left many fans bewildered, buffaloed, puzzled, confused, and devastated. Overall, the emotion of Jazz fans has best been summarized by Jack Raymond (The Jackel), with his spot on question: “What the F is the malfunction?” That, Jackel, is what we wish to answer.

The Glory Days: Things looked bright during the offseason of 2010. The buzz could be heard everywhere and anywhere when upper management signed big man Al Jefferson. Butler University standout guard Gordon Heyward would be showing off his skills in front of a packed house each night. Deron Williams had worked harder than ever, and was determined to bring a title to Utah. Nothing could stop the Jazz…or so it seemed. The boys in green and purple owned exhibition play of the 2010-11 year, coasting to a record of 8-0 in preseason. In December, the club had one of the top 5 records in the NBA, and sat comfortably with a 2nd seed in the Western Conference. Day would turn into night however, as injuries, locker-room contention, and terrible 1st quarter performances plagued the Jazz. Sure, followers of the team were worried, but fans remained optimistic. “We’re just in a rut,” sports radio DJ’s yapped. “We’ll bounce out of it.” Other faithful followers remarked positively, “Wait ‘til Memo comes back. The Lakers and Spurs will be quivering then.” No one could have predicted what would happen next. Instead of “bouncing back,” or making other NBA teams “quiver,” the Utah Jazz organization took a turn for the worse, in what was described by one *9 yr. old boy as, “the worst day of my life.”

“I feel it is time to move on.” One of the greatest coaches the game has ever seen stepped down on February 10, 2011. Controversy arose as many sources blamed Deron Williams for running the Old Man out of town. I am not one to speculate but I will say the following: If Kevin O’Connor was given an ultimatum regarding “Sloan or D-Will,” he could not have made a more horrific decision than what he did. Losing a legendary coach to satisfy your pre-Madonna superstar will leave you hurting 99 times out of 100. The Jazz were no exception. Due to the personal connection and emotions the author has tied with Coach Sloan, nothing further will be discussed about the resignation.

*Of course by 9 yr. old boy, the author means himself

What the Problem Is? I’ll tell you what the problem is. Poor decision making by management, terrible coaching, and horrible players. Let’s dig in.

Management Boners: People will always question individuals who hold positions of power, trust, and wealth. This Guy (with thumbs pointing at me) is no exception. First of all, let me issue a disclaimer. I am not sure if the idiot is one of the Miller brothers, or Kevin O’Connor, but whoever it is need never work in professional sports again. The boys in blue (blue back then) were one round away from the NBA finals THREE years ago. The team was young. They were spry. They had upside. They had potential. Where the hell did it go? Ask me how many players from the 2007-2008 roster remain with the Jazz as of today. Please, ask me. Four. Four players from only 3 years ago remain on the team. This is from a 15 man roster, not a 12, mind you. Paul Millsap, (quality) Andrei Kirilenko (overpaid, but quality), Mehmet Okur (injury stricken), and Ronnie Price, (one of the worst basketball players to ever play the game) remain. Who have the big wigs let go? Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, Wesley Matthews, Ronnie Brewer, Kyle Korver, Jerry Sloan, and Dee Brown to name a few. (I’ll take Dee Brown over Ronnie Price any day of the week) The Utah Jazz effectively lost an All-Star Team to let the program be run by C.J. Miles and crew. I wouldn’t let C.J. Miles start on my church-ball team, but somehow he is Utah’s “Golden Child.”

The Dark Knight (Of Demise): Tyrone Corbin is awful. Some were giddy to see a young guy with zero head coaching experience take over. In fact, Kevin O’Connor was so excited that he decided to sign Corbin to a contract through 2013. Wait, what? We SIGN a head coach who hasn’t proven that he can win a junior high game, to run the franchise? My 6 yr. old nephew could make a better decision than that. Sure, some argue that the club needed a change. “It was time for Jerry to go,” optimists raved. “Corbin connects well with the players,” others agreed. Let us not doubt that Tyrone is a stand-up guy, full of cheer, and that he possesses great people skills. I’m sure he does. That doesn’t mean he should be in charge of the team through 2013 without ever proving himself as a coach. The more I write about the subject, the more outraged I become. Corbin has no offensive game plan, heaven knows what his defensive scheme is, he cannot close games, and do not get me started on his substitution process. Since taking the reins as the “Sideline General,” Corbin has posted a record of 5-16. Yes, you read that correctly, and no, it isn’t a typo. Michelle Thompson, my mother (who has never dribbled a basketball) could lead a NBA team to a record of 5 wins and 16 losses. Just for fun, let’s go over his substitution errors. Earl Watson plays almost as much as Devin Harris (we will evaluate Earl’s process later on), Derrick Favors plays 15 minutes a game, and C.J. Miles is on the floor for 42 more minutes than he should be. The run-down goes like this: Watson should give Harris a spell if, and only if, Harris is so tired he can no longer function. Earl Watson would have been cut from my high school basketball team. Next, every time Favors steps onto the court, great things happen. Dunks, blocks, lay-ups, free-throws, and rebounds. We give this kid 15 minutes a game? Play the young fella as much as possible, without cutting too many minutes from Big Al, and workhorse Paul Millsap. Heaven forbid the Jazz experiment with a lineup that consists of Jefferson, Favors AND Millsap playing at the same time! We never win a game, but we couldn’t try a lineup like that, could we? There would be too much to lose. It’s a gamble, and a risk. (This is sarcasm and satire) Lastly, C.J Miles must be having an affair with Coach Corbin. Miles can do no wrong, and for some reason plays the entire 4th quarter. Corbin’s a moron, and the evaluation of Miles will be discussed in the next paragraph.

You Don’t Need Any Talent to Win! Hogwash. Analysts, coaches, and fans can argue for days as to why victories aren’t coming, but sometimes it comes down to a simple fact: Our players are not as good as the opposing teams. (Go back to the root of the problem…Management and Personnel decisions) C.J Miles: The Utah Jazz will never be a contending team with C.J. Miles as the face of the franchise. Somehow, he has become Utah’s poster child. “He’s athletic,” fans rave. “Miles can light it up,” others say. “CJ scored 40 pts. In ONE game!” still more chime in. There are kids that I play with at the “Fieldhouse” who could do what CJ Miles does for the Jazz if given the same opportunity. How hard could it be? Stand around the perimeter, maybe come off a screen, fire away anytime you touch the ball, drive to the hoop like you’re running a 40 yard dash (knocking people over), turn the ball over, and shoot 30% from three point land. Who’s the bozo who gave up Matthews, Brewer, and Korver to keep Miles? Raja Bell: Bell seems to be an emotional leader. Great job Raja, you play hard and get in opposing players heads. When Bell hits more than one jump-shot in a game, hell will freeze over. Earl Watson: He simply exists. Earl is scrappy, and will play hard, but is an all around terrible ball-player. Watson turns the ball over, makes silly decisions, and cannot score. Ronald Price:Ronnie missed 3 of 4 free-throws in the 4th quarter last night…one in which he air-balled. I haven’t seen Price hit a 3 point shot since his college days at Utah Valley. One of Ronald’s favorite things to do is run as fast as he can to the baseline, jump in the air, and throw the ball to the other team. Utah lacks talent, skill, and athleticism. Some argue that we possess determination, heart, and hustle. Oh really? Why are we the worst defensive team in the league, then? Some NBA squads are managed poorly, but contend because of coaching and talent. Other teams make great personnel moves, but are poorly coached, and thus they dwell in the cellar. Yet other clubs possess little talent, but because of great strategy and apt decision making, they compete. The Utah Jazz? Terrible at all three.

Wrap It Up Already: Please understand that this is not a denouncement of my fanship or loyalty to the Utah Jazz. Being a fan of the Jazz-bo’s runs in my family. I have cheered through thick and thin, wins and losses, and easy or tough. No, I love Utah, and will not officially “unfan” myself unless nothing is done in the offseason. To all, I bid adieux.

Coach Corbin is dumbfounded at his teams horrendous performance.